I Chickened Out Again

I really hate myself. Last November 24, while walking from Megamall B to Megamall A via the Second Floor, I was surprised to see my former housemate, who is also the second guy I loved (he never knew, and I never told him... well, I still love him up to now), who I thought was out of the country. He said he was here in the Philippines for a two-week vacation. He asked me if I know where a particular shop is because he has to bring something there. I told him I knew the place, so I accompanied him. We continued walking towards Building A to the direction of the shop. As we were walking, I felt so happy and wished that this would never end. When we reached the shop, I was prepared to wait for him to finish his business there. To my surprise, he looked at me, thanked me, and shook my hand for helping him find the shop. Before I could even ask him if he would like to grab some dinner, he walked inside the shop.

Thinking that it was a sign for me to go, I walked away. In my mind, I felt bad that I wasn't able to hang out with him, or have a longer time to update each other on what's going on with our lives. I could not go back and ask him if he wants to have dinner after I walked a considerable distance, because that would appear to be an afterthought and that could give him the idea that I like him in an intimate kind of way. On one hand, it would have been good if he also likes me, but on the other hand, it would be a disaster if he turns out to be straight.

I headed towards the MetroStar Express in Ortigas and took a ride home, all the while blaming myself for my cowardice. I don't know... Maybe I'll just wait for Christmas, or my birthday, when he greets me again through Friendster.

It's just so difficult to figure him out. He has been so kind to me when were still housemates, and among my not so close friends, he is the only one who cares to greet me on my birthday. I don't know if he's just such an angel, or maybe it's just my mind and heart giving his gestures a different interpretation.

Another Gay Movie

Does anyone know where to find a copy of this movie? I wanted to watch this movie since I saw the trailer last year on Youtube, as well as some clips. Gosh, Jonathan Chase is sooo hot! Hehe... And the actor playing Griff looked familiar, I just could not remember where I saw him. Then yesterday, I found out that his name was Mitch Morris... hmmm... rings a bell. OMG! It's Cody from Queer As Folk! Haha. I couldn't believe that he was that hottie, my long time crush in QAF. Haha. Anyway, I really want to watch this movie... I've been looking for it in video stores but to no avail. Anyone care to give that as a Christmas gift? Haha. Silly me.

Battle of the Hotties

The Head & Shoulders versus Clear Anti-Dandruff Shampoo battle (hehe) has become a battle of the hotties. Shortly after Unilever launched its Clear TV Commercials, we started seeing this hot doctor (or whatever he is)--courtesy of Head & Shoulders--debunk Clear's statement that men and women are different even in scalp (men are supposed to be more susceptible to dandruff). And after quite some time, Clear started showing this interview of this cute guy, Jay, saying how Clear has worked for him.

Now, if we remove rational thinking and do not consider which of H&S and Clear actually work for each one of us, and just base our choice on these two hot guys, which anti-dandruff shampoo would you choose? (Silly question ba?)

Anyhow, thanks to Unilever and P&G (and their advertisers) for giving us such eye candies to behold.

Who's Watching Roxxxanne?

Roxxxanne premieres on October 10, Wednesday, 7:00pm at the UP Film Center. See details from Migs, the Manila Gay Guy here.

By the way, I reserved two tickets, but I have yet to find someone to go with me. Anyone who wants to watch with me? Your ticket's my treat. Send me an e-mail on or before Tuesday noon. Thanks!

Update (10-10-07): Waaaahhhh! Can't watch tonight!

Okay, Son, You Can Go Out on Dates

I was having a casual conversation with my mom and dad when suddenly, the topic shifted to my sexuality. My father began questioning me if I go out on dates with guys, to which I answered, "No." And I told him I couldn't even if I want to because he and Mom wouldn't let me. Even if I live apart from them, I am dead scared when meeting guys because I worry that someone we know might see me and tell my parents about it.

Suddenly, my dad told me, "Okay, you can date guys." I noticed my mom pinch my dad's hand as if telling him not to let me, but my dad stuck with the permission he gave me. I was so happy. Finally I can go out without worrying that my parents would disown me or that they would get hurt when they find out or whatever. I felt a newfound happiness, because a heavy burden was removed from my heart.

Then I heard my phone ring. I thought it was a call from someone. My joy turned into dismay when I realized that it was my alarm to wake up. Everything had only been a dream! A dream which I think would not come true given how my parents view homosexuality.

Why, oh why?

I have always been unlucky in online networking sites. I have an account in Downelink, Connexion, and even in guys4men yet I could not get the attention of guys I like. When finally I received a message each in Downelink and Connexion, the senders were both old men--as in really old foreign men, you would suspect they were pedophiles! (sorry, bad...)

When I signed up for guys4men, I was amazed that it has a way of telling you which guys bookmarked you as a hottie (haha, in my dreams! well, I'm still hoping that someone hot could also find me hot... kinda have a low self-esteem here). And when I checked it, there was only one guy. Guess what? He was another oldie... I have nothing against old men. I know that I will also get old. But, they are just not my type. And I wonder why I seem to attract them... (sigh)

New Poll!

I've created a poll on my blog (located at the upper right corner) and I ask readers to cast their votes by completing the following statement:

Sexuality/Sexual Orientation is a product of...

a. nature alone.
b. nurture alone.
c. both, but more of nature.
d. both, but more of nurture.

Please vote, and for discussion, you may post a comment here or email me at yourgayness@gmail.com. Thanks a lot!

Still John Uy

"This will not be the last time you'll hear from me..." -- John James Uy, Be Bench Grand Finals Night, September 11, 2007

I already knew that Carlo won since it was in the papers last week. (Congratulations to Carlo's fans!) Last night, I watched the event on TV, just so I could see how John fared in the finals. He was still the hottest! I must admit though that he looked as if he doesn't know where to go during the segment where they had wings.

When they announced that John is eliminated, I felt his pain. Awang-awa ako sa kanya. I felt like I wanted to be there and hug him and tell him it's okay (Haha, grabe na ito, IN MY DREAMS!!!).

I think he expected that he will win, or make it to the top four at the very least. He really looked shocked. I even thought he was gonna cry. But no, he did not. And that made me like him even more. I really wanted him to win the competition. Carlo was not my favorite, though he was really the first guy I noticed when I first watched Be Bench. And I admit he has a pretty face and a cute smile. But as the show went on, I lost interest in him. Oh well, that's life. They all deserve to be there, anyway.

Basta ako, kay John pa rin ako! Hehe. Hottest ever!

John Uy, I love you!

I just loooove John Uy, one of the finalists in Be Bench, The Model Search of Bench and ABS-CBN. Every episode, he looks better and better. I actually thought that he looked familiar. And then, while I was watching TV one boring afternoon, I saw this Jollibee nacho commercial and saw him there! He was one of the two guys who kept on repeating what the girl said about the new Jollibee product. Haha, so that was it. I'm rooting for him in the finals.

For his photos, go to the bench model search website here.

Thankful for Open-Minded Friends

I've been soooo busy for the past weeks. Anyway, I just want to share that two weeks ago, I came out to a friend. We were chatting via Yahoo Messenger, and our conversation went to a topic on speed dating. I told her that I'd love to try it, but that I just couldn't. When she asked me why, I told her, "I don't go for girls." And she laughed and then thanked me for the trust I gave her. She even told me that she kinda figured it out. Whew, it was actually a relief. Friend, if you happen to read this, I just wanna say THANK YOU!

By the way, my friend, don't forget to invite me when your no-girls speed dating is final, okay? Hehe. Just wanna give it a try.

What's with Elevators with Mirror Walls?

Yesterday morning, as I was waiting at the elevator lobby (by the way, there was a cute guy there--hehe), two elevators opened at almost the same time. The first to open was the service elevator. All of us would have been accommodated. But this girl who was with the cute guy wanted to use the other elevator. When the cute guy asked why she doesn't want to ride the service elevator, all she said was: "Walang salamin diyan! (There's no mirror there!)" And then I told myself, "This girl is too choosy for wanting an elevator with mirror walls. And because of that, I was not able to ride the elevator with the cute guy! Hmp! (I was already inside the service elevator when I learned that they would use the other one. LOL)" What's so important with being in an elevator with mirror walls? It freaks me out because I feel so exposed (Haha, feeling...). Later that day, I found a good reason to want to ride an elevator with mirrors. Wanna know why?

As my colleagues and I went to the 4th level parking to buy lunch, I stayed near the elevator control panel. Then as the elevator stopped and opened by a floor, two cute guys came in. And they went straight to a corner where I can see their reflections from where I was. Oh, it was such a lovely sight. I had a good look at one of them, and he was my kind of guy: skinhead, fair-skinned, and so masculine. Haha. His pink shirt added to his good looks. While I had no idea whether or not he is gay (although he also glanced at me for a few times), at least I was able to savor every moment that I was looking at him through the elevator's mirror walls.

P.S.
Remember the first cute guy I mentioned at the beginning of this post? I saw him again this morning and we rode the same elevator. He went off at the 9th floor. Hmm... now I know. Problem is, I don't have the courage to tell him I like him in case I see him again. And I couldn't tell if he's gay or straight. (sigh)

Lying as Second Nature?

"Lying becomes second nature." -- Michael Novotny (to Tracy, Queer as Folk Season 1 Episode 11)

Michael was referring to what he thinks happens to gays who are in the closet. To some extent, it is true. People like us who stay in the closet maintain a façade that is acceptable to the basically homophobic society. By carrying ourselves as straight persons in the public eye and by living our sexuality only when with a select few, we are in a way lying, though not deliberately, but involuntarily, because we are forced to lie about ourselves. I think to some degree, this is acceptable and understandable. But only to some degree. We should be careful so as to avoid making lying and pretension a permanent part of our character. But how are we gonna do that if we are still forced by the circumstances to live a big lie? Where do we draw the line between a lie which is acceptable and necessary for staying in the closet, and a lie which is despicable even in the closeted queer's eye?

A Very Beautiful Morning

That's because I happen to sit beside a goodlooking guy here inside the FX. I always fall for skinhead chinito guys, especially when they seem distant and mysterious. If only I could muster the courage to make a move. Whew.

"Dad, I'm Straight."

I was watching Queer as Folk Season 4 Episode 11, and there was a scene where Michael expressed his worries about Hunter--his and Ben's foster son--being straight. Those of us who watched the show know that Hunter was a hustler, with gay guys as patrons, when Mikey and Ben took him in. It was but natural for the couple to expect and assume that their Hunter boy is a gay boy. Unfortunately, as of Episode 11 Season 4, it seems that Hunter realized he is straight [poor guy, LOL]. Anyway, he was of course hesitant to tell his parents about it because they were gay.When he finally decided to spill the beans, his folks were quite in shock. In the succeeding bed scene between Mikey and Ben [oops, I meant to say the scene where they were discussing while in bed, haha, just trying desperately to titillate your senses], Michael kinda worried about Hunter. Why? He was worried because he feels it would be difficult to deal with him being straight because he--Mikey, that is--has no idea what it's like to be in a heterosexual relationship. He remarked that perhaps Hunter would be better off with straight parents. Ben countered that there's no problem with Hunter being straight--gay or straight, he's still their son.

And then it hit me.

Even though I am gay, I sometimes dream of having my own child, preferably a biological one [the probability of which is very low if not none at all, since I am really not attracted to girls], or if not, even an adopted one. But oftentimes, I wonder how I would deal with my child if he/she turns out to be straight, or turns out to be gay. If the child is straight, he/she might eventually question my sexuality. If he/she is gay, it could be cool but the problem is that he/she could go through the same agony that people like us experience. As of now, I am still unsure if I can handle having a child in the future. But I'd like to know your opinion [especially calling the attention of gay parents out there] on this: What would you like your child to be: straight or gay? Why?

Mitch Morris aka Cody Bell

Mitch Morris, who played Cody Bell, leader of the Pink Posse, in Queer as Folk, really got me hooked into him. He's so hot hot hot!!! By the way, is he gay or straight in real life? I searched the net about him and found out that he has two other gay-themed shows.:)

Guy Gazing in KFC

Who needs dessert when you have all the time to gaze at a very beautiful man while having your lunch?

I was at KFC España last Saturday and I noticed this very cute service crew. I couldn't take my eyes off him. Luckily, he cleaned the table which was northwest from my position, with me facing north. That gave me a good look at his name badge. His name was MACK.

Then it was time to have a refill of the gravy. As if fate was on my side, he happened to be the only crew available, since the others were upstairs. So, who else am I gonna call but him? Hehe. He came over and said he would just bring a new cup of gravy, since it seemed they don't have a pitcher of gravy.

And so, as I continued with my lunch, I also continued looking at him every once in a while. Sayang hanggang ganun lang. Hehe. What a wonderful meal!

Sigh

It's been a while since my last entry. I was too busy with work this past week. I really don't have anything to say now. I still have much work to do. By the way, the election day is coming near. Vote wisely, my friends! Teka, sino ba talaga si Wisely? Hahaha!

My Wishlist

While on my way to work, let me list down my wishes, all of which I hope would be answered. Here it goes:


1. Good health;
2. My own laptop computer;
3. Salary increase to have better chances of buying a laptop;
4. Broadband internet connection at home;
5. A nice, attractive, and smart me;
6. A handsome, delicious [hehe, talagang delicious pa eh], discreet, sweet, loving, and loyal boyfriend who stays;
7. An accepting family, so that I can be comfortable being the real me;
8. An accepting working environment for the same reason as in number 7;
9. An accepting group of friends for basically the same reason; and
10. A new place I could call my own.

So there. :-)

Can Joker Arroyo Give Hope to the LGBT Community?

Iboboto ko na s'ya. I will vote for him now (well, I mean on the May 14 elections).

This morning, on my way to work, the radio was tuned in to the radio program of Joe Taruc, and he was interviewing Senator Joker Arroyo who is aspiring to be reelected to the Philippine Senate. Among other things that he was saying, what caught my attention (alright, I was already listening intently...) was his opinion on the refusal of the COMELEC to grant Ang Ladlad's petition for accreditation as a candidate in the party list elections for the House of Representatives. He said that the COMELEC should reconsider its decision to junk the petition of Ang Ladlad. He said that the party list system was created in order to give the marginalized sectors an opportunity to participate in lawmaking. Ang Ladlad represents Filipino gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders, and the LGBT sector is undoubtedly marginalized. He also said that Prof. Danton Remoto, the head of Ang Ladlad, is an intellectual, being a professor in a leading university in the country, and has a potential of being a good lawmaker.

I have long been wanting to find time to write my opinion about COMELEC's refusal to accredit Ang Ladlad. I will try to write it when I have more time, but allow me to say that I'm saddened by Ang Ladlad's non-accreditation simply because it allegedly failed to prove national membership, among other reasons. I will have to read more about this matter so that I can write an informed opinion. But in the case of the LGBT community, whose members may or may not be out of the closet but undoubtedly scattered all around the country, do we really need to prove national membership?

I hope the Party List Law can be interpreted as allowing national representation as sufficient compliance with the requirement of national membership.

For now, I would just hold on to the hope that Senator Arroyo gets reelected and that he makes it one of his causes to fight for the rights of the LGBT community, just as he fought for other human rights.

It would have been better if the COMELEC had not disqualified Remoto's candidacy for Senator, on the ground that he is a nuisance candidate. I think he would have had a good chance of making it to the Senate.

Black Saturday

And here I am alone in the house, blogging and surfing the net, visiting the g4m forum. I still have so much to do later. My entire family's hearing mass right now. Am I bad? I just don't want to go tonight. I'll just go to mass tomorrow, Easter Sunday.

Hottie Spotting on Friday Noon

Yup, I passed by the 5th floor canteen this noon to buy my lunch and I saw this one chinito guy, who works out at the gym too, having his lunch. It's been a long time since I last saw him at the gym and at the building's canteen. I kinda missed him, but I liked him more when he wore his eyeglasses. Nakakatunaw! Hehe.

Learning that I am Gay

When I was still a child, my cousins and uncles used to tag me as a fag. My mother always came to my defense, but still inside of me I know, they might be right. After all, when I started pre-school, I did not mingle with the boys. I was more at ease with the girls. And I felt that I liked looking at my boy classmates.

Come elementary years, the attraction to my boy classmates became stronger. I didn't even have a crush on a girl and when people asked me and wouldn't take no for an answer, I would give the name of the girl who usually is closest to me.

In high school, I was really attracted to my guy friends. There was even this one friend who I cannot turn down whenever he requests for something coz I like him so much.

But when I was in 4th year high, I thought I finally defeated the gay urge in me because I felt that I was in love with my girl best friend. I courted her but I eventually stopped because I realized that I was really attracted still to my guy friends (especially to the guy I mentioned I can't turn down).

The worst and best part was when I was in 1st year college, because it was the time that I felt the biggest struggle of accepting the fact that I’m gay and that the church says it is a sin; but it was also the time that I really felt that I was in love, and not merely attracted, to a guy friend. Unfortunately, this love remained unrequited.

Hottie Spotting

One thing that I like about going to the canteen at the 5th floor of our building during lunch is that I get to see my crushes! Haha, there are a few cute guys there buying lunch. Just a while ago, I saw one of my crushes. He really is cute with his eyeglasses, skinhead, and just the right physique. I wonder what his name is. He even went to the takeout counter, behind me. (Gosh, I don't know how to contain my joy!) I wanted to kiss him on the lips (which looks really kissable)! Haha... Anyhow, gotta get back to work. Lunch break is almost over. Tata!

Pinoy Gay Bloggers, Join the Club!

Come out, come out, wherever you are! Calling out all Pinoy gay bloggers out there. Wanna be included in the Pinoy Gay Bloggers List? This could give your blog added publicity and visibility. Simply go to Pinoy Gay Bloggers to join. This list is sponsored by the Manila Gay Guy.

Be heard. It's time to make our presence felt.

Lord please help me understand!*

While I would not want to make a big issue about my sexual orientation, there simply are some facets to it that I could not simply let pass me by. One is the seeming conflict between my religion and my sexual preference. I grew up as a Catholic, although I am not a very religious person. The Catholic church says, "Okay, so you're gay. That doesn't matter. Just don't be a practicing one." What the?! How can that be? It's as if by accepting the manner by which the Church "accepts" PLUs (people like us), I have acceded to the view of the Church that gays should practice celibacy and single blessedness or otherwise be condemned. That I simply cannot allow my conscience to take.

For isn't it also true that the Church teaches that the Lord is a loving and just God? I believe that. And for me, it means that everyone has a right to be loved, everyone has a right to an intimate and even sexual relationship, whether they are straight or not.

My problem now is how to reconcile my own belief with the traditions of the Church. For instance, while I would want to receive communion, I could not do so without confessing. But the Church taught us to confess every sin that we remember, and that knowingly concealing from the priest any sin committed is also a sin. So, how could I confess without having to tell that I am still willing to enter a same sex relationship? By the Catholic Church's standards, I would be committing a sin, and a mortal one at that. But isn't that unfair?

As of now, I just opted to maintain a personal relationship with the Lord, whether I get to receive communion or not. I still go to Church and hear God's word, but I do not receive communion. And I admit this is really tough for me. Because I would still want to belong to a church, to a religious community where PLUs are accepted without any conditions attached.

*Reposted from my downelink blog.

My Family's Still in Denial*

Sometimes I wish I did not tell them I'm gay. The acceptance that I got from them seemed to be only in words, but not more than that. My parents still hope that I would change my mind and be straight. But what they could not understand is that I've been through the same crisis of asking what I really am, why me, among the many other questions I had in mind. All those years of struggling to come to terms with my sexuality had been very exhausting, to the point that I even wished I were dead. But there's nothing I could do. I don't have the courage to open the topic to them, mainly because I would be overpowered by their conventional arguments against my justifications. They just couldn't accept the fact that I'm gay. What they don't know is that by forcing me to be straight, they are slowly killing me inside.

*Reposted from my downelink blog.

Mr. Hottie Part 2

After an eight-day hiatus from the gym (thanks to being sick last week among other reasons), I returned last night. So I went to the locker room, then after changing clothes, I went on my way to the front desk to surrender my valuables for safekeeping. On my way out of the workout area, guess who I saw. Mr. Hottie again! (See related post here.) This time however, he was wearing a loose gray shirt and still the red shorts. But his face was still as angelic and hot like the first time I saw him. He also noticed that I was there, I guess. But then, that's all. I never really had the chance to do what DATS advised--to be the one to say, "Bro, pa-alternate." I really like him, but then I do not have any gaydar, or I don't know how to use mine if ever I have one, so I won't know if he is one of us. And I would not be bold enough to give him even the slightest hint that I like him. So what can I do? Maybe I should just stay on the side and pray that he ask me out.

Boy Watching

I attended my sister's graduation last Saturday at the Philippine International Convention Center. There were so many cute guys there. There was this one guy who was really smiling--not at me sad to say--while the crowd was busy taking pictures after the graduation. He had a cute smile and a really handsome face. Then while we were waiting for the car outside PICC, this graduate passed by. Tall, handsome, chinito, and really hot! God, I wish I could shout how much I admired them! And how I wish that one of them is my boyfriend. Haha.

Missed Opportunity and More...

I was at the gym last Saturday when this guy, a real headturner, stepped in. He was perfect. The face, the chest, the back, the biceps, the waist, the butt, everything! I could not help but gaze at him. And he was wearing sando and shorts, which made him even hotter! When I finished my routine on the Smiths, he suddenly talked to me and said in Filipino, "Bro, pa-alternate ha?" (Bro, let's use this alternately.) What happened next?

My mind was dead set on completing my other routines that time, which included using the inclined bench that I used on the Smiths. So I said, "Gagamitin ko kasi sana yung bench." (I'm about to use the bench.) I already said that when I realized that this hottie talked to me! And his voice was really sweet! Masculine but sweet! I did not want the opportunity to pass, but it seems it already had. I told him he may use it and we can use it alternately, but he said nevermind since he will just use the other machine.

That really hit me. I hated myself for that. I mean I do not even know if he is gay or bisexual. He's a real hottie and he seems straight but I still wanted to be friends with him. Using the bench alternately and having a few chit-chats could give a little help. Especially since he was the one who approached me. But then, the stupid me, I let it pass by. I really hated myself for that.

But what I hated more was that I did not realize that I was mumbling and thinking aloud about my regret for letting the opportunity to talk to him pass while I was returning the plates! I really think he heard me mumbling. Now what?! He would get the idea that I like him, that I was gay. And when I was finishing my other routines, he caught me taking a glance at him. I don't know what I felt that time. I just hope that he would keep things to himself. And if he is gay or bisexual, I hope he would ask me out. He really is one hot guy!

In or Out?

I'm closeted, and what better way to express my being gay than to blog about it! At least for now.:)