Lying as Second Nature?

"Lying becomes second nature." -- Michael Novotny (to Tracy, Queer as Folk Season 1 Episode 11)

Michael was referring to what he thinks happens to gays who are in the closet. To some extent, it is true. People like us who stay in the closet maintain a façade that is acceptable to the basically homophobic society. By carrying ourselves as straight persons in the public eye and by living our sexuality only when with a select few, we are in a way lying, though not deliberately, but involuntarily, because we are forced to lie about ourselves. I think to some degree, this is acceptable and understandable. But only to some degree. We should be careful so as to avoid making lying and pretension a permanent part of our character. But how are we gonna do that if we are still forced by the circumstances to live a big lie? Where do we draw the line between a lie which is acceptable and necessary for staying in the closet, and a lie which is despicable even in the closeted queer's eye?

"Dad, I'm Straight."

I was watching Queer as Folk Season 4 Episode 11, and there was a scene where Michael expressed his worries about Hunter--his and Ben's foster son--being straight. Those of us who watched the show know that Hunter was a hustler, with gay guys as patrons, when Mikey and Ben took him in. It was but natural for the couple to expect and assume that their Hunter boy is a gay boy. Unfortunately, as of Episode 11 Season 4, it seems that Hunter realized he is straight [poor guy, LOL]. Anyway, he was of course hesitant to tell his parents about it because they were gay.When he finally decided to spill the beans, his folks were quite in shock. In the succeeding bed scene between Mikey and Ben [oops, I meant to say the scene where they were discussing while in bed, haha, just trying desperately to titillate your senses], Michael kinda worried about Hunter. Why? He was worried because he feels it would be difficult to deal with him being straight because he--Mikey, that is--has no idea what it's like to be in a heterosexual relationship. He remarked that perhaps Hunter would be better off with straight parents. Ben countered that there's no problem with Hunter being straight--gay or straight, he's still their son.

And then it hit me.

Even though I am gay, I sometimes dream of having my own child, preferably a biological one [the probability of which is very low if not none at all, since I am really not attracted to girls], or if not, even an adopted one. But oftentimes, I wonder how I would deal with my child if he/she turns out to be straight, or turns out to be gay. If the child is straight, he/she might eventually question my sexuality. If he/she is gay, it could be cool but the problem is that he/she could go through the same agony that people like us experience. As of now, I am still unsure if I can handle having a child in the future. But I'd like to know your opinion [especially calling the attention of gay parents out there] on this: What would you like your child to be: straight or gay? Why?

Learning that I am Gay

When I was still a child, my cousins and uncles used to tag me as a fag. My mother always came to my defense, but still inside of me I know, they might be right. After all, when I started pre-school, I did not mingle with the boys. I was more at ease with the girls. And I felt that I liked looking at my boy classmates.

Come elementary years, the attraction to my boy classmates became stronger. I didn't even have a crush on a girl and when people asked me and wouldn't take no for an answer, I would give the name of the girl who usually is closest to me.

In high school, I was really attracted to my guy friends. There was even this one friend who I cannot turn down whenever he requests for something coz I like him so much.

But when I was in 4th year high, I thought I finally defeated the gay urge in me because I felt that I was in love with my girl best friend. I courted her but I eventually stopped because I realized that I was really attracted still to my guy friends (especially to the guy I mentioned I can't turn down).

The worst and best part was when I was in 1st year college, because it was the time that I felt the biggest struggle of accepting the fact that I’m gay and that the church says it is a sin; but it was also the time that I really felt that I was in love, and not merely attracted, to a guy friend. Unfortunately, this love remained unrequited.

Lord please help me understand!*

While I would not want to make a big issue about my sexual orientation, there simply are some facets to it that I could not simply let pass me by. One is the seeming conflict between my religion and my sexual preference. I grew up as a Catholic, although I am not a very religious person. The Catholic church says, "Okay, so you're gay. That doesn't matter. Just don't be a practicing one." What the?! How can that be? It's as if by accepting the manner by which the Church "accepts" PLUs (people like us), I have acceded to the view of the Church that gays should practice celibacy and single blessedness or otherwise be condemned. That I simply cannot allow my conscience to take.

For isn't it also true that the Church teaches that the Lord is a loving and just God? I believe that. And for me, it means that everyone has a right to be loved, everyone has a right to an intimate and even sexual relationship, whether they are straight or not.

My problem now is how to reconcile my own belief with the traditions of the Church. For instance, while I would want to receive communion, I could not do so without confessing. But the Church taught us to confess every sin that we remember, and that knowingly concealing from the priest any sin committed is also a sin. So, how could I confess without having to tell that I am still willing to enter a same sex relationship? By the Catholic Church's standards, I would be committing a sin, and a mortal one at that. But isn't that unfair?

As of now, I just opted to maintain a personal relationship with the Lord, whether I get to receive communion or not. I still go to Church and hear God's word, but I do not receive communion. And I admit this is really tough for me. Because I would still want to belong to a church, to a religious community where PLUs are accepted without any conditions attached.

*Reposted from my downelink blog.

My Family's Still in Denial*

Sometimes I wish I did not tell them I'm gay. The acceptance that I got from them seemed to be only in words, but not more than that. My parents still hope that I would change my mind and be straight. But what they could not understand is that I've been through the same crisis of asking what I really am, why me, among the many other questions I had in mind. All those years of struggling to come to terms with my sexuality had been very exhausting, to the point that I even wished I were dead. But there's nothing I could do. I don't have the courage to open the topic to them, mainly because I would be overpowered by their conventional arguments against my justifications. They just couldn't accept the fact that I'm gay. What they don't know is that by forcing me to be straight, they are slowly killing me inside.

*Reposted from my downelink blog.