I Chickened Out Again

I really hate myself. Last November 24, while walking from Megamall B to Megamall A via the Second Floor, I was surprised to see my former housemate, who is also the second guy I loved (he never knew, and I never told him... well, I still love him up to now), who I thought was out of the country. He said he was here in the Philippines for a two-week vacation. He asked me if I know where a particular shop is because he has to bring something there. I told him I knew the place, so I accompanied him. We continued walking towards Building A to the direction of the shop. As we were walking, I felt so happy and wished that this would never end. When we reached the shop, I was prepared to wait for him to finish his business there. To my surprise, he looked at me, thanked me, and shook my hand for helping him find the shop. Before I could even ask him if he would like to grab some dinner, he walked inside the shop.

Thinking that it was a sign for me to go, I walked away. In my mind, I felt bad that I wasn't able to hang out with him, or have a longer time to update each other on what's going on with our lives. I could not go back and ask him if he wants to have dinner after I walked a considerable distance, because that would appear to be an afterthought and that could give him the idea that I like him in an intimate kind of way. On one hand, it would have been good if he also likes me, but on the other hand, it would be a disaster if he turns out to be straight.

I headed towards the MetroStar Express in Ortigas and took a ride home, all the while blaming myself for my cowardice. I don't know... Maybe I'll just wait for Christmas, or my birthday, when he greets me again through Friendster.

It's just so difficult to figure him out. He has been so kind to me when were still housemates, and among my not so close friends, he is the only one who cares to greet me on my birthday. I don't know if he's just such an angel, or maybe it's just my mind and heart giving his gestures a different interpretation.