Some Random Thoughts

Last Father's Day, I received a call from my Dad. I greeted him, and we talked for a while. He asked me how I was, in terms of work, health, etc. Then he asked me: Are you planning to stay single all your life? (My immediate family knows I'm gay, but so far, only my sister is okay with it. My parents are okay with it as long as I don't act on it. Kumusta naman 'yon di ba?!) I was stunned and speechless. Fortunately, he followed the question with the statement that I should ask God what His plan for me is, etc. So I just replied that I'm doing it. Well, I really am asking God to show me His plan for me, but still I hope He gives me a guy to be my partner, if He wills it. :p I wish I had the strength to tell this to my Dad, but I didn't want to ruin his special day. Still, I'm hoping the day will come that He, along with the rest of my family, would be okay with it.

Just the other day, my colleagues and I were talking about sexuality. I was surprised to learn that one of them was very okay with her friends being gay, and that she was even trying to pair two of them up. I was almost tempted to come out to them that day, but still, I didn't feel like I have to announce it. It has been my decision that in coming out to friends and other people, I must not tell them I'm gay unless they ask. The problem is they don't ask. They didn't even ask me that day. So I'm still stuck in my closet. Anyway, I have a feeling that this colleague of mine will sooner or later ask me, because I think she already saw my gay blog subscriptions more than a year ago when she suddenly used my PC. (so careless, haha. buti na lang RSS feeds lang yung nakita nya at walang kasamang NSFW images). She never asked me about it though. :D Maybe if I add her to my Facebook friends, she would see my fan pages on several gay-themed movies. Haha. And then I would have the chance to come out to her. Or maybe I won't. Bahala na si Batman! :D

No Way! Are You Serious?!

We were on our way to church. I was clad in Barong Tagalog, and so was everybody else (except for the ladies, of course). My Mom seemed excited over what was going to happen. It was not until after a few minutes that I realized we were on our way to a wedding. I wondered whose wedding it was. When we arrived at the church, I found out that the wedding’s motif was yellow. Everything seemed nice. But still, one question bothered me: who’s getting married? Then, it suddenly dawned on me. I was getting married. What?! What the heck was that? As far as I can remember, I’m gay and I had no girlfriend. But no, everything seemed so real. It was really happening. I even knew the name of the girl I was marrying.

I was so shocked and did not know how to react. How could it happen? At that moment, I was already thinking of whether to push through with the wedding, and make my life even more miserable by living a lie, or just abandon the bride and embarrass everyone. I wanted to scream. I felt I was cheated because somehow a wedding was arranged between me and someone without me knowing it until the day of the wedding. I couldn’t breathe. And then...

I was on my bed. I was not wearing any Barong. I was in my room. It was all just a dream...err, a nightmare! Thank God! Whew! What a relief! :p If it had been for real, I would have chosen to be a runaway bride, err... I mean groom.

>>How about you? If in real life you were forced to marry a girl, would you give in?

Gay and Happy!

Redundant eh? I'm just so happy that my sister and I had been closer than ever, and she already accepts me for who I am... She now knows I'm seeing someone, and last night, she met him, although not formally, hehe.

And there's another reason why I'm so happy today! I'm not saying though... I just wanna cherish the moment. :)

My Most Important Wish this Year

There's nothing more important than my wish to be accepted wholeheartedly by my family and friends. It has been almost four years since I came out to my family, and almost six years after I came out to some close friends. But still, I don't see even a remote possibility that they would understand that there's nothing I can do about it. When it comes to my family, we just end up having a heated argument whenever this issue is raised. With friends, we don't even get the chance to talk about it, but some of them manage to get the message across that they are not okay with it, usually through subtle remarks.

Last Saturday morning, I received a text message from one friend. The message read, "It's really sad that in this world, people would rather see two men holding guns, killing each other, than to see two men holding hands, loving one another." I forwarded it to my straight friends who know about me and to my sister. Nobody reacted, except for my sister. She just replied, "Kuya!" I didn't know what to make of it, so I shifted to another topic when I replied. When she came home, she didn't say a word about it.

In the afternoon, while we were at the Blue Magic stall in Megamall, she told me about this cute guy who was also there. When I told her that I also noticed the guy, she replied, in a tone that seemed annoyed, "Kuya, ayan ka na naman!" She already reacted that way to think that I just found the guy attractive. Wala pa akong boyfriend sa lagay na 'yan ha?

I asked a friend to give his comment about my sister's reactions and he thought that my sister has not yet accepted my sexual orientation. And he is right.

It's sad that the ones who I hoped would understand me are the ones who are hurting me the most.

Well, it has been like that for the past four to six years. I just hope 2008 would be a better year.

Okay, Son, You Can Go Out on Dates

I was having a casual conversation with my mom and dad when suddenly, the topic shifted to my sexuality. My father began questioning me if I go out on dates with guys, to which I answered, "No." And I told him I couldn't even if I want to because he and Mom wouldn't let me. Even if I live apart from them, I am dead scared when meeting guys because I worry that someone we know might see me and tell my parents about it.

Suddenly, my dad told me, "Okay, you can date guys." I noticed my mom pinch my dad's hand as if telling him not to let me, but my dad stuck with the permission he gave me. I was so happy. Finally I can go out without worrying that my parents would disown me or that they would get hurt when they find out or whatever. I felt a newfound happiness, because a heavy burden was removed from my heart.

Then I heard my phone ring. I thought it was a call from someone. My joy turned into dismay when I realized that it was my alarm to wake up. Everything had only been a dream! A dream which I think would not come true given how my parents view homosexuality.