Hottie Spotting on Friday Noon

Yup, I passed by the 5th floor canteen this noon to buy my lunch and I saw this one chinito guy, who works out at the gym too, having his lunch. It's been a long time since I last saw him at the gym and at the building's canteen. I kinda missed him, but I liked him more when he wore his eyeglasses. Nakakatunaw! Hehe.

Learning that I am Gay

When I was still a child, my cousins and uncles used to tag me as a fag. My mother always came to my defense, but still inside of me I know, they might be right. After all, when I started pre-school, I did not mingle with the boys. I was more at ease with the girls. And I felt that I liked looking at my boy classmates.

Come elementary years, the attraction to my boy classmates became stronger. I didn't even have a crush on a girl and when people asked me and wouldn't take no for an answer, I would give the name of the girl who usually is closest to me.

In high school, I was really attracted to my guy friends. There was even this one friend who I cannot turn down whenever he requests for something coz I like him so much.

But when I was in 4th year high, I thought I finally defeated the gay urge in me because I felt that I was in love with my girl best friend. I courted her but I eventually stopped because I realized that I was really attracted still to my guy friends (especially to the guy I mentioned I can't turn down).

The worst and best part was when I was in 1st year college, because it was the time that I felt the biggest struggle of accepting the fact that I’m gay and that the church says it is a sin; but it was also the time that I really felt that I was in love, and not merely attracted, to a guy friend. Unfortunately, this love remained unrequited.

Hottie Spotting

One thing that I like about going to the canteen at the 5th floor of our building during lunch is that I get to see my crushes! Haha, there are a few cute guys there buying lunch. Just a while ago, I saw one of my crushes. He really is cute with his eyeglasses, skinhead, and just the right physique. I wonder what his name is. He even went to the takeout counter, behind me. (Gosh, I don't know how to contain my joy!) I wanted to kiss him on the lips (which looks really kissable)! Haha... Anyhow, gotta get back to work. Lunch break is almost over. Tata!

Pinoy Gay Bloggers, Join the Club!

Come out, come out, wherever you are! Calling out all Pinoy gay bloggers out there. Wanna be included in the Pinoy Gay Bloggers List? This could give your blog added publicity and visibility. Simply go to Pinoy Gay Bloggers to join. This list is sponsored by the Manila Gay Guy.

Be heard. It's time to make our presence felt.

Lord please help me understand!*

While I would not want to make a big issue about my sexual orientation, there simply are some facets to it that I could not simply let pass me by. One is the seeming conflict between my religion and my sexual preference. I grew up as a Catholic, although I am not a very religious person. The Catholic church says, "Okay, so you're gay. That doesn't matter. Just don't be a practicing one." What the?! How can that be? It's as if by accepting the manner by which the Church "accepts" PLUs (people like us), I have acceded to the view of the Church that gays should practice celibacy and single blessedness or otherwise be condemned. That I simply cannot allow my conscience to take.

For isn't it also true that the Church teaches that the Lord is a loving and just God? I believe that. And for me, it means that everyone has a right to be loved, everyone has a right to an intimate and even sexual relationship, whether they are straight or not.

My problem now is how to reconcile my own belief with the traditions of the Church. For instance, while I would want to receive communion, I could not do so without confessing. But the Church taught us to confess every sin that we remember, and that knowingly concealing from the priest any sin committed is also a sin. So, how could I confess without having to tell that I am still willing to enter a same sex relationship? By the Catholic Church's standards, I would be committing a sin, and a mortal one at that. But isn't that unfair?

As of now, I just opted to maintain a personal relationship with the Lord, whether I get to receive communion or not. I still go to Church and hear God's word, but I do not receive communion. And I admit this is really tough for me. Because I would still want to belong to a church, to a religious community where PLUs are accepted without any conditions attached.

*Reposted from my downelink blog.

My Family's Still in Denial*

Sometimes I wish I did not tell them I'm gay. The acceptance that I got from them seemed to be only in words, but not more than that. My parents still hope that I would change my mind and be straight. But what they could not understand is that I've been through the same crisis of asking what I really am, why me, among the many other questions I had in mind. All those years of struggling to come to terms with my sexuality had been very exhausting, to the point that I even wished I were dead. But there's nothing I could do. I don't have the courage to open the topic to them, mainly because I would be overpowered by their conventional arguments against my justifications. They just couldn't accept the fact that I'm gay. What they don't know is that by forcing me to be straight, they are slowly killing me inside.

*Reposted from my downelink blog.

Mr. Hottie Part 2

After an eight-day hiatus from the gym (thanks to being sick last week among other reasons), I returned last night. So I went to the locker room, then after changing clothes, I went on my way to the front desk to surrender my valuables for safekeeping. On my way out of the workout area, guess who I saw. Mr. Hottie again! (See related post here.) This time however, he was wearing a loose gray shirt and still the red shorts. But his face was still as angelic and hot like the first time I saw him. He also noticed that I was there, I guess. But then, that's all. I never really had the chance to do what DATS advised--to be the one to say, "Bro, pa-alternate." I really like him, but then I do not have any gaydar, or I don't know how to use mine if ever I have one, so I won't know if he is one of us. And I would not be bold enough to give him even the slightest hint that I like him. So what can I do? Maybe I should just stay on the side and pray that he ask me out.

Boy Watching

I attended my sister's graduation last Saturday at the Philippine International Convention Center. There were so many cute guys there. There was this one guy who was really smiling--not at me sad to say--while the crowd was busy taking pictures after the graduation. He had a cute smile and a really handsome face. Then while we were waiting for the car outside PICC, this graduate passed by. Tall, handsome, chinito, and really hot! God, I wish I could shout how much I admired them! And how I wish that one of them is my boyfriend. Haha.

Missed Opportunity and More...

I was at the gym last Saturday when this guy, a real headturner, stepped in. He was perfect. The face, the chest, the back, the biceps, the waist, the butt, everything! I could not help but gaze at him. And he was wearing sando and shorts, which made him even hotter! When I finished my routine on the Smiths, he suddenly talked to me and said in Filipino, "Bro, pa-alternate ha?" (Bro, let's use this alternately.) What happened next?

My mind was dead set on completing my other routines that time, which included using the inclined bench that I used on the Smiths. So I said, "Gagamitin ko kasi sana yung bench." (I'm about to use the bench.) I already said that when I realized that this hottie talked to me! And his voice was really sweet! Masculine but sweet! I did not want the opportunity to pass, but it seems it already had. I told him he may use it and we can use it alternately, but he said nevermind since he will just use the other machine.

That really hit me. I hated myself for that. I mean I do not even know if he is gay or bisexual. He's a real hottie and he seems straight but I still wanted to be friends with him. Using the bench alternately and having a few chit-chats could give a little help. Especially since he was the one who approached me. But then, the stupid me, I let it pass by. I really hated myself for that.

But what I hated more was that I did not realize that I was mumbling and thinking aloud about my regret for letting the opportunity to talk to him pass while I was returning the plates! I really think he heard me mumbling. Now what?! He would get the idea that I like him, that I was gay. And when I was finishing my other routines, he caught me taking a glance at him. I don't know what I felt that time. I just hope that he would keep things to himself. And if he is gay or bisexual, I hope he would ask me out. He really is one hot guy!

In or Out?

I'm closeted, and what better way to express my being gay than to blog about it! At least for now.:)