...Rays of Hope...

I was in a meeting earlier today. Anyway, over lunch, some of our superiors who were in that meeting discussed some issues which incidentally touched on the sexuality of one of their contemporaries. I was beaming with hope inside because some of them were very okay with it. They were saying there is nothing wrong with being gay or with a man having sex with another man. Unfortunately I did not hear my boss or my colleagues say anything for or against it at all, so maybe perhaps it is not yet time for me to tell them I'm gay when they bug me again with the question, "Do you have a girlfriend?" or some other similar remarks. Nevertheless, it really was a relief that at least I know now that there are some people in our organization who are very open-minded about it. I just hope nobody noticed how happy I was upon hearing those non-homophobic remarks. :D

Jeepney

Last week, I was on my way to work when I noticed this cute guy inside the jeepney. His face wasn’t that perfect, but he looked hot. He looked innocent. He looked young, but his body looked developed I’d like to see him naked (uh oh, too early to get horny…) If only I could see through the UP shirt he was wearing. Anyway, I did the only thing I could do when in this kind of situation (now don’t get your minds green): I just glanced at him once in a while. He glanced my way too. I didn’t really know what to make of it: was he also one of us and testing the waters if I would give in, or was he straight and getting ready to humiliate me in front of everyone? Anyway, since the jeepney ride was short, I had no chance to know. What surprised me though was that as I was about to go down, he put his leg across the exit in such a way that I would have to squeeze my way out. Oh brother! I was tempted to touch and squeeze his thigh! Haha. But the decent side of me decided to get out as quickly as possible. As the jeepney took off, I glanced at him, and I saw him looking at me. Argh! Should I have done something or what?!

Anyway, last Saturday, on my way home after meeting up with a friend (hey, thanks for showing up!), I was inside the jeepney when I saw this cute hunk. He looked older than me, perhaps late 20s or early 30s. His beautiful eyes looked so innocent, and his lips were oh so kissable! I wanted him to look at me, but he never did. Well I guess he had an idea that I was way head over heels about him, but perhaps he just decided to ignore me.

Haha, so there I was, drooling over this guy and wishing that the ride would never end. Then I noticed the guy beside him smile, as if jokingly. And then I realized he caught me looking at the cute guy. About a minute later, the cute guy, the other guy, and the girl across them went down. What the?! I didn’t know they were together. Haha, I guess they were all laughing at the gay boy who’s gone gaga over the hunk.

What is it with jeepney rides anyway? Fate lets you come across with any guy who could be the man of your dreams only to have you wake up to reality when the ride ends. Oh well, that’s life! And it’s even harder for a gay guy.

Eye Candy

Still busy...

Anyway, my officemate has a catalogue of clothing, including underwear. And I just wanna say that I have a crush on the image model for the briefs. Haha... Gwapo talaga! Nakakapanghina. With such angelic face matched with naughty eyes, I'm tempted to scan the page and print a poster size copy. Haha. Kaso baka mahuli ako! So hinihiram ko na lang pretending that I'm looking for something to buy. :D
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Edit...

Eto na yung photo...

Or eto na lang... para wholesome... hehe...

wafu talaga... hay.

Pahabol post for Valentine's Day: New Poll!

Love is in the air... Really? Well, just wanna know what you guys think of when Valentine's Day approaches. Pahabol na lang ito, vote na kayo please (haha, nagmakaawa...)

For answers not indicated in the options, feel free to comment on this post. :)

Hay, kababawan...

What A First Time Clubbing Experience?!

When my friend Gee and I decided to meet up in Malate, I started to think of what excuse is plausible enough to ward off any suspicion as to where I'm going. My sets of friends have some common individuals (or intersections when talking about sets in Math, haha), and that would mean that if I tell my family or a particular set of friends that I'm going out with one set of friends or another, they would have a way of verifying the truth of such statement. I was already thinking of asking a girl friend to whom I came out recently to cover for me. However, while of all those who know that I'm gay, she is the one who I really think is very accepting of my sexuality, I still had reservations because one, I would be asking her to lie for me in case my family decides to call her, and two, I don't even know how to start asking such a favor from her. As the date of the Malate gimmick approached, I realized that I have one set of friends which is isolated from my other sets of friends, such that there is a very slight possibility, if not none at all, of contact and verification as to whether I really went out with them. So I made my decision to name such group as my buddies for the night.

26 January 2008

I met Gee at Robinson's Place Manila at around 9:30 in the evening. It was our first time to see each other in person and while I've seen his photos and while we have exchanged messages for quite a long time, eyeballs still make me shiver. Perhaps it's because of the uncertainty of whether or not we would click as friends in person, and of the worry at the back of my head that someone I know might see me in Manila at such time.

We had dinner first and then started calling friends if they would be able to come. Gee was already worried because it seemed that most of those who confirmed their presence would not be able to make it.

From Robinson's, we went to Chowking along Taft Avenue and stayed there for a few minutes while asking friends to come and join us. I felt very uneasy because people stared at us. I wanted to tell them to just mind their own business! But then, I decided to ignore them.

We then decided to stay at Starbucks in Malate to wait for his friend Bong, who was stuck with two other friends at Gilligan's. There were too many people at Starbucks, so we decided to wait outside. While Bong was asking Gee to come to Gilligan's, Gee and I both felt uneasy with the idea of being salimpusa in their group, so we decided to wait at the corner of Orosa and Nakpil, underneath the trees. Although I had a feeling that people might think that we're looking for hookups since we are hiding in the dark, that night I felt more comfortable with that than having to risk being recognized by someone I know if I we stayed at a brighter spot.

Finally, Bong arrived. After some introduction and some chit-chats, Bong asked us to stay with him and his two friends at Gilligan's. But since we really felt uneasy with that idea, we decided to go back to Starbucks. I scanned the area for familiar faces, and fortunately, there were none. So we went inside and talked, and again texted and called friends who might be in the area.

January 27, 2008

It was past midnight. Finally, another friend of Gee replied and said that he is in Bed. We decided to go there. On our way there, I asked Gee, "What if someone who knows me sees me? If we see each other while we're both inside Bed, then that wouldn't be a problem (laughing)." But deep inside, I still felt scared at the idea.

Outside Bed, I looked at the building's facade and I told myself, "Gosh, I'm here." While we were queued at the entrance, I was shocked to see a familiar face! OMG! It was my supervisor back in my internship days. But not only was he my supervisor. He had been working with some projects our company is engaged in. That means he knows my colleagues. I immediately turned my back and just looked his way again when I felt that he was already inside the club.

Out of curiosity, I glanced at their direction to see who was with him. Looking at the face of his companion, I tried to figure out who this person is because he seemed familiar. I just couldn't think of where I saw him because I was seeing only half his face. It seemed that fate wanted to answer my question, and that fate was playing tricks on me because in just a few seconds, the guy looked at my direction. %$^&! He was one of our clients! I immediately covered my face, but I think he was able to see me. I figured that apparently, Mr. Supervisor is treating Mr. Client to a night out at Bed.

I told Gee that I saw familiar faces and they saw me. He told me to just ignore them and enjoy the night since the lights are dim. So we went in. He added, "Wish mo na lang na sana magkaiba tayo at sila ng floor na tatambayan." When we went inside, Gee's friend was at the second floor so we went up. And again, as if fate was really testing my limits, I saw Mr. Client sitting on a couch near us. I couldn't find Mr. Supervisor anywhere. I was already freaking out but then I told myself, "Wala nang atrasan, sayang ang entrance fee, sayang ang chance. Just enjoy the night." So I ignored them and tried not to think of their presence. I felt more comfortable when we moved to the ground floor.

So we drank and danced a little, because there were too many people inside. After a few hours, we went out of Bed for some air and to meet Bong outside. When Gee and I decided to go back to Bed, I saw a schoolmate just outside the door. Fortunately, he did not see me. And we went back in.

It was already 3:00a.m. There were no signs of Mr. Supervisor nor Mr. Client. I decided to go to the comfort room to pee. To my surprise, they had an aquarium for a divider! And while my bladder was already full, I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing, and nothing was coming out. Maybe it's partly because I was tempted to look beyond the aquarium, and partly because I felt uncomfortable that the guy at the other side of the aquarium might see my thing. And it felt even more uncomfortable because as I stood there without urine coming out, I thought that the guy beside me might think that I was there just to look at what the other guys are keeping in their pants. Immediately after I was finally able to urinate, I washed my hands and went out of the comfort room. Assessing how I reacted, I realized that I was actually amused that they had an aquarium for a divider! Haha.

We decided to go out of Bed and meet Bong and some other friends. We stayed just outside O Bar. We talked, and my knees were already shaking because I have been standing for too long. I was able to take a seat, and because I was already tired, I decided to hide behind Gee and the rest of the guys who were still talking.

At that moment, we were already just waiting for sunrise. And when I thought that fate had already stopped playing tricks on me, I saw yet another familiar face walk past us. It was a friend from our youth organization when I still stayed in the province. Although I know that there have been questions as to whether he's one of us or not, it was still possible that he was in the area either because he worked there, or because he was going somewhere and needed to set out early in the morning. Why? Because he had a big backpack, and he did not in any way look as if he came there to party. And with that, for him to see me is not an option! So I decided to hide again and postpone my own trip home until after he was out of sight.

So much for surprises, huh! I just hope that there was nobody else who saw me. And if ever there was anyone else, I hope he would keep his mouth shut. :D

Did I have fun? For someone like me who felt uncomfortable in bars, even in straight-oriented bars at that, I did. But what makes it more memorable is that I was finally able to meet a friend and take the friendship beyond cyberspace. Thanks, man.

My Most Important Wish this Year

There's nothing more important than my wish to be accepted wholeheartedly by my family and friends. It has been almost four years since I came out to my family, and almost six years after I came out to some close friends. But still, I don't see even a remote possibility that they would understand that there's nothing I can do about it. When it comes to my family, we just end up having a heated argument whenever this issue is raised. With friends, we don't even get the chance to talk about it, but some of them manage to get the message across that they are not okay with it, usually through subtle remarks.

Last Saturday morning, I received a text message from one friend. The message read, "It's really sad that in this world, people would rather see two men holding guns, killing each other, than to see two men holding hands, loving one another." I forwarded it to my straight friends who know about me and to my sister. Nobody reacted, except for my sister. She just replied, "Kuya!" I didn't know what to make of it, so I shifted to another topic when I replied. When she came home, she didn't say a word about it.

In the afternoon, while we were at the Blue Magic stall in Megamall, she told me about this cute guy who was also there. When I told her that I also noticed the guy, she replied, in a tone that seemed annoyed, "Kuya, ayan ka na naman!" She already reacted that way to think that I just found the guy attractive. Wala pa akong boyfriend sa lagay na 'yan ha?

I asked a friend to give his comment about my sister's reactions and he thought that my sister has not yet accepted my sexual orientation. And he is right.

It's sad that the ones who I hoped would understand me are the ones who are hurting me the most.

Well, it has been like that for the past four to six years. I just hope 2008 would be a better year.

I Chickened Out Again

I really hate myself. Last November 24, while walking from Megamall B to Megamall A via the Second Floor, I was surprised to see my former housemate, who is also the second guy I loved (he never knew, and I never told him... well, I still love him up to now), who I thought was out of the country. He said he was here in the Philippines for a two-week vacation. He asked me if I know where a particular shop is because he has to bring something there. I told him I knew the place, so I accompanied him. We continued walking towards Building A to the direction of the shop. As we were walking, I felt so happy and wished that this would never end. When we reached the shop, I was prepared to wait for him to finish his business there. To my surprise, he looked at me, thanked me, and shook my hand for helping him find the shop. Before I could even ask him if he would like to grab some dinner, he walked inside the shop.

Thinking that it was a sign for me to go, I walked away. In my mind, I felt bad that I wasn't able to hang out with him, or have a longer time to update each other on what's going on with our lives. I could not go back and ask him if he wants to have dinner after I walked a considerable distance, because that would appear to be an afterthought and that could give him the idea that I like him in an intimate kind of way. On one hand, it would have been good if he also likes me, but on the other hand, it would be a disaster if he turns out to be straight.

I headed towards the MetroStar Express in Ortigas and took a ride home, all the while blaming myself for my cowardice. I don't know... Maybe I'll just wait for Christmas, or my birthday, when he greets me again through Friendster.

It's just so difficult to figure him out. He has been so kind to me when were still housemates, and among my not so close friends, he is the only one who cares to greet me on my birthday. I don't know if he's just such an angel, or maybe it's just my mind and heart giving his gestures a different interpretation.